Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Passing Time

Geez, it's been a week since I have posted anything, what a bad blogger indeed. How shall I make this up to you?

I know!!! I'm gonna pee on a stick!! Better yet, I'll pee in some tupperware and get out a pee stick and gingerly dip the stick in the tupperware and calmly count to 20 and patiently wait for a test result and wonder if the negative test is really negative, or just too soon. Then, when Himself grabs the (empty) tupperware out of the bathroom to trim his toenails into, just for laughs let's not tell him what it was used for a few hours ago. Ha !!!

So if the tests (I have only used 2, thankyouverymuch) are negative, what is the problem, you ask? Well, the World Wide Web of Lies and Misinformation, that's what !! I, even given an excellent education, am unable to glean exactly when these tests are effective. Oh sure, AFTER you have missed your period, blah blah blah...But I would like to know NOW please !! Before the weekend and refinishing my front porch.

How am I feeling? Thank you for inquiring after my delicate state. I have, in fact, been feeling very lightheaded and headachy for a few days now. Any nausea, you ask? Actually, yes, a bit. But my next *cycle* is not due until Friday, so I may waste more of our money tomorrow morning on a pee stick. What is the timing if the stick were to predict offspring? Oh, well, junior and the finished MBA will arrive on the same day. Let's Celebrate !!

How do I feel about the prospect of being with child and attempting to finish this degree before it/he/she arrives? Oh, bugger off!!! You ask too many questions !!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Birthday, 1, and the Incident

I did not come into work on Saturday. What a luxury to sleep in and hang out with Fox and Himself. We did very little all day, which was nice after being in work for so long. Himself brought Fox into the bedroom mid-morning and said his butt was a little sore and he was crying. He promptly fell asleep next to me and I let him, his tummy had been a little off. I enjoyed some old episodes of Mad TV.

And I started the happy pills with a renewed confidence that I was going to feel great and have energy and be, well, happy.

Sunday was Fox’s birthday. It was perfect. We went for a drive and spent a few hours at Good Hearted Friend’s house in the city, which was the only thing I wanted to do on my kid’s birthday. He had ice cream with her and there was no stress and I got to reminisce about being a little kid in the same kitchen eating ice cream.

Then we drove out to the development we have been watching go up for a few years now hoping to be able to build there. The credit score has not budged. But there is still hope, the lot premiums have gone down, dramatically. And we talked again for the umpteenth millionth time about what it would be like to have a different home, with a/c and a functional kitchen and nice bathrooms. And how we would be able to afford it. And there was hope.

Monday was another day at work. Then Himself emails to ask what day it was that we had early morning big people time before Fox woke up. And I said that I wasn’t sure.

And the next email had an ovulation calculator on it.

So now I am not taking the happy pill after three whopping doses and I am waiting for my hCG to go up, or not. And I am impatient. I have already used one pee stick as if my hormones could defy the laws of nature and produce a result, 4 days after, the incident.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Black Sheep

I have returned from the Doctor. Being that he is so aged I am convinced he invented medicine, I guess I should believe his sage advice. My general health is just spot on, so I must, in fact, be depressed. I walked out the proud owner of an Rx for PopularDrug. But I did have that moment of shame as he was writing the script. Certainly no one in my family is in need of any mood altering prescriptions?!? No, think not these blasphemous thoughts you dirty black sheep!

Then I felt more like myself. Ashamed, instead, that I didn’t take better care of myself in the first place. And realize there is not one damn thing wrong with feeling like shit and doing something about it.

So now I am going to go home at a decent hour, ok 3 pm instead of 6 pm, and have a beer on my porch with my kid and my husband and enjoy a Friday afternoon.

Fuck it.

After all, I will be here again tomorrow for more of the office doldrums.

Random Sightings

On the highway on the way back to work from the doctor’s, I saw a large Gas tanker flying at breakneck speed. I, at breaknecker speed, upon passing said truck, noticed it was in fact being towed by Scrappy’s (very decrepit) Tow Truck. After recovering my stomach from the floor, I passed Scrappy’s truck and got safely way ahead of him. But not before passing a nice man’s car which bore a bumper sticker that simply said:

I Miss Bill

amen, brother

Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Keys?

During another afternoon of sheer boredom I cruised around the internet hoping to pass some time. I go to the usual place's and read what everyone has to say. But since I had recently been thinking about my old days overseas I thought I would google another old friend. He's one of those friend's that's all over the net just because his name is related to his products, so I have never found anything intersting on him, just people selling his stuff or maybe a random quote in Impossible Language that I hardly try to understand.

But this time I actually found a decent link. And a picture of what looked like a younger version of his dad, or an older version of the young man I haven't seen in 10 years. There was no new information on him, just a business profile. But I dug up an email address and sent off a note to him. Poor thing must have thought the dead were risen hearing from me after all these years.

But isn't it funny how paths can diverge or dwindle off like so many unfinished thoughts? You know where something or someone is and if you tried, you could follow through and keep up. And maybe find your keys. Or you can just turn and walk away and never look back, and use the spare keys. I wonder where I would be now if I hadn't made some of my more regrettable decisions. But aren't the decisions we make the best one's for us at the time? And who can say? And what good does wondering about them now do? History as a lesson, I guess. I just hope I learned those lessons well.

My friends seem happy. I think I am just really sick of this job. I am trying to be happy I have it at all and I am not sleeping in the gutter. Gutter bad. Job good.

Moving Along

So back to NewSnob, and her NewJob? It has gotten worse. I have had to sit here and watch her get the training for the job I have been working for since I got here. And it was handed to her. And it’s about all I can stand to stay in this cube and not walk to the nearest bridge and toss myself inelegantly off in silence onto the local freeway. Christ, I sound like a troll now. But I really did deserve this one, and I was in line for it, and now I am bitter. And now I have to watch as they move all of her stuff to a team lead desk. But at least I won't have to look at her anymore.

Onto something slightly less self-pitying.

As I surfed around the net the other day reading blogs and marveling at how I am actually Not alone in many of my frustrations, I remembered an old friend has just moved to France to teach for a year. So as I finished up a “Welcome to your new home” e-mail I was reminiscing about my days when we lived in France together. Bubbly Smart Friend is now married and has won the teaching position in France and some frenchie won her position over here at her Middle State High school. I am so happy for her, she really wanted this. I have inquired as to what the husband will be doing for a year in Europe, and I wait impatiently for the answer.
We studied in France together an ice age ago. I was a sophomore, in more ways than one, in college and a bunch of American’s were studying at this little excuse for a school. I can barely say I passed my classes, but I got credit for all of them. Bubbly Smart Friend was there from my university, but we weren’t friends until we spent the time abroad together. I thought she was too Bubbly and Smart back home to be my Friend. But we began to talk in France and still keep in touch, even if it is infrequently. I hope she had a safe trip.

Party (not) On

Fox’s First Birthday is on Sunday.
One year ago I was resting in bed per doctor’s orders with a pretty decent case of preeclampsia. I watched the idiot box and napped and generally took it easy while waiting for Himself to come home. I did not run the carpet cleaner and clean every thread of carpet in the house when no one was looking, ignoring the heat and telling myself that the carpets needed it more than I needed to lay around some more. Not me.

It seems like a long time ago, almost like it didn’t happen and it was just a blip of a show on the same idiot box. But Fox is here and he’s almost a year old.

He slept in our room last night in his pack and play enjoying the a/c. It was even too hot and humid for him to sleep in his crib, and I am the first one to leave the kids out in the heat. It doesn’t seem to bother them. But yesterday? Everyone was suffering. The horses at my Dad’s farm were all in the barn with fans blowing on them. Good Hearted Friend was at his house too, keeping an eye on him, and for the first time ever she had an air conditioner in her room. I asked Himself to go over there and install the window unit for her, and she said she promptly took a nice nap in her newly cool room once he left. Of course my Dad would have nothing to do with his a/c in his bedroom. He stubbornly turns it off after Good Hearted Friend turns it on for him. I guess after 75 years on the planet without one, well global warming be damned, he still doesn’t need one.

We’re still in a limbo land trying to sell the house. We’re waiting, not so patiently anymore, for the credit score to go up so we can get the whole buy/sell process going. So there’s no extra cash, say, for a party for Fox’s birthday. But as Himself so kindly points out, who would we invite anyway? We have no friends left near us, our only normal friends left town a few years ago. And our family? Well, who can deal with all them in this heat? I figure the little guy and I will go out this weekend with Good Hearted Friend and get some ice cream.

But it still makes me sad he won’t have a party.

On a steel Horse we rode

In the middle of July we took BonusSon to the Bon Jovi concert for his 8th Birthday. It cost a fortune, but we decided to do it before we knew about another bogus settlement that we ended up paying Himself's ex-wingnut. So the rest of our cash that was supposed to last us through the summer went to her so she can do whatever she does with it, like not get BonusSon clothes or food or a back to achool outfit. She's despicable. Which is why we are so broke and I have worked 11 days straight at unsatisfying job. And why I don't feel like we should have a party for Fox. Ugg.

BonusSon had a good time at the concert and wore his first concert-tee for days, removing it only to swim and allow Himself to launder. The day after the concert I threw a pool party at his Grandmother's house and got the neighbor kids over. It's hard to get people together for the party not only because it is in the middle of the summer, but because we don't have a lot of contact with his school friends since Wingnut moved him a county away from his father.

Anyway, the point is it's a major accomplishment to get kids to a party for BonusSon but I managed to get 8 kids and I brought all the food and cooked all the food so that the grandmother wouldn't feel put-upon because apparently she has felt that way recently, even though it wasn't us doing the putting-upon. And it was a surprise for BonusSon and they all had a blast.

But now I am bitter about the whole thing because I feel like "his kid" had a party and mine doesn't get one. And I blame Wingnut for being, well her, and manageing to squeeze even more money out of us that she will not spend on BonusSon. I mean if I knew she would take the money and say, buy BonusSon a great new wardrobe for back to school, I might not mind so much. Instead she may buy some rounds of drinks for her buddies if her lawyer doesn't manage to get her share of it. And she did not have a Birthday party for her son and she will not buy him back to school clothes. She never has.And I am bitter. And pissed about feeling that way. And irritated about my situation. But mostly pissed about having all of these feelings that are negative and miserly.

Christ, I am a bad person.

Wishing Well

I finished my current class last night, happily reading away in the blogosphere as my classmates droned on about god only knows what and generally repeating themselves endlessly. I was happily home at 8:30 though after a tearful 6 minute drive home from campus. Hormones, maybe. Blood tests yesterday to determine what in bloody-blue-blazes is wrong with me this year. Doctor's appointment on Friday for the results.

Wish list for Doctor:
1. Might I not cry anymore a) at Music b) reading Blogs c) near Abrasive, my Boss d) Spontaneously
2. Might my hair stop falling out?
3. Could I have some more energy to raise my son?
4. Could I have a clean bill of health so that I might grow him a friend?

Not too much to ask, I think.

Anyway, I got home last night and entertained Himself with tales of the classroom and tucked into a well deserved beer....only 5 more classes to go till the MBA is on the wall. Oh happy day, so far away.